Alucard makes a sandwich
by Snaketooth
Summary: Alucard is hungry, and fancies a sandwich. Comes between episodes 1 and 2 of Hellsing Ultimate.


'Police girl,' the deep voice whispered, as a figure passed through the brick wall. Alucard's figure solidified in the firing range.

'Master?' Seras said, swirling around with her gun in her hand.

'You should place that weapon down. You will not need it now. I am about to teach you on one of the most important secrets of the Nosferatu.'

'What is it?'

'You must learn,' Alucard paused for a moment, 'vampiric cooking.'

'What!?' Seras shouted, surprised.

'You think that a vampire will wish to eat the same food as man?' Alucard replied. 'You have not eaten in your weeks here. Any food that does not contain blood or flesh of human lives will taste like dust or bile in your mouth. Your hunger for food is replaced by your hunger for blood. And so your food must be adapted to what you are now able to taste.'

'Yes, Master.' A thought appeared to Seras. 'But Master, Walter has been giving me blood to eat as soup-'

'You may be in a cage, but you are barely tame. You are still a hunter.' Alucard replied, turning away. 'The first thing I will teach you to make is,' Alucard whispered the final words, 'a sandwich.'

'A sandwich? Master, I think I know how to make-'

'Now,' Alucard interrupted, putting on a pair of sunglasses, 'let us hunt.'

Walter walked around holding a clipboard, checking through the stocks within the kitchen. It would never do for a guest to request something and to be found without it. Especially if that guest was from Iscariot – after all, the best way to win over an enemy is to be an impossibly good and polite host.

He looked through the cupboard of condiments. The mustard shelf was running rather low, he thought. An agent had visited from the Dominion of Canada recently, and Walter had found he had a preference for a strong Dijon. As Walter looked through, he noticed something curious. An empty space existed where a bottle should exist. He checked his clipboard.

'Mrs Totnes, may I enquire something?' Walter asked, turning to the cook. 'Has anyone used Worcestershire sauce recently?'

The cook thought about this. 'No more than a few splashes.'

'And yet all that remains is a bottle of Henderson's Relish. That will not do.' Walter made a note. 'In any case, I shall deal with it with some expedience.'

'Police girl, the night is your time. Humans walk in the day, and cower as the sun falls. You do not need to fear anything then.' Alucard told her.

'But Master, why do we have to be so quiet?' Seras asked.

Seras was sneaking out of the Hellsing manor, keeping her body low as she snuffled along the floor. Alucard's body was constantly shifting – he turned to mist, and rolled forward before turning to a man again behind a tree.

'You are hunting. You should stay hidden from your prey.' Alucard whispered. He pointed to the wall. 'Look at section of wall. You can escape through there.'

'But Master, I won't fit through the bars.' Seras told him.

'As a vampire, you disobey a thousand laws humans must obey. Laws of mass, momentum, life and death, morality, even gravity.' Alucard pointed at her chest. 'You think you are limited in strength to that of a human? You can break through that steel with ease.'

'Right!' Seras said, moving forward. She made her way to the wall, and pressed her arms to the bars. With more mental effort than physical, Seras bent them apart. There was now a sizeable hole she could slip through.

'Excellent.' Alucard said, leaning on the wall. 'Now,' he pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket 'my shopping list.'

'Right. But what am I to pay them with?' Seras asked.

'Here.' Alucard gave Seras a bag. She opened it and had a look inside.

'Master, these are coins are in Turkish. I don't think they'll be expected.'

Alucard, off course, could not look sheepish. 'They're still silver. Now go – I think we'll both busy tonight.'

'But Master, what are you doing?' Seras asked.

'Why,' Alucard pulled out a toolbox from somewhere, 'doing Walter's job for him.'

'Walter, has Sir Longwood sent the report from Singapore?' Integra asked. She always stayed up till late at night, prepared should vampires make a move.

'Ah, I'm afraid I haven't checked the communiqués yet today, Sir Integra.' Walter replied. 'I've been looking into something.'

'Really?' Integra replied, pulling out a cigar and holding it out. Walter pulled out a lighter and lit it. 'And what is this?'

'A few items have gone missing from the kitchens. Nothing to be concerned about, of course, but I also noticed there appears to have been some damage done to the walls around the estate. This damage has been repaired most haphazardly. I'm not quite sure what has caused it.'

'This that the case?' Integra took a puff of smoke. 'Well Walter, you will have to get the bottom of it, won't you?'

'Of course, mam'.'

The small corner shop seemed like a good place to start. However, as Seras arrived it was already closed.

She went to a pay phone, and phoned Alucard. 'You have woken a monster. What does this make you that would do this? A man? A dog? A MONSTER?'

'Master, it's me. Seras.' It was getting annoying how he kept answering the phone like that.

'What is it? Is your mission complete?'

'No, Master. The shops are all closed at this time.'

'Really? And what does that matter to you?' Alucard replied. He seemed amused by the notion this would be a problem.

'But, I'll have to break in.'

'Of course.'

'But Master, I used to be a policewoman. I can't go breaking the law.'

'As if you exist within the law right now?' Alucard replied. 'You cannot become what you truly are without breaking the shackles that hold you down. Now, do not return until your task is complete.' He hung up.

Seras breathed out, and started to go look around the shop.

The first thing to deal with was the CCTV. Two cameras overlooked the entrance to the shop. She looked around, then walked off down the street away from them.

She then went into an alley way, and leaped up onto the rooftop. She went along to the two cameras, turning them both pointing away from the shop. She'd put them back pointing the right way later.

Next there was the lock. It was a simple Yale lock, but while Seras knew how to get through locked doors, that would leave the door off it' hinges – and as a human would have required a battering ram. Instead, she looked through the lock. No doubt Alucard could have dealt with this without a moments thought – even if wanted to be stealthy, he'd just walk through the door. But there was nothing Seras could do that was so easy.

Seras instead went for the least destructive route. She simply turned the handle right, and kept applying pressure till it turned all the way, breaking the lock open. She then opened the door and entered.

She picked up a basket, and walked round the shop picking up most of the things on her list. She then went over to the counter, where she emptied most of the money. 'That'll be enough? To cover everything?' she asked herself.

Finally, she pulled a piece of paper out of her pocket, with a pen. She started to write with big, sharp jagged letters, to disguise her own curved, joined style. Finally, she left the note with the money on the counter, and left. The note read _Sorry about the mess. I couldn't find an all night shop. Apologies, A._

Walter entered the room at the bottom of the manor. It appeared to be empty – there was no one in it, however. A half empty bottle was all that showed anything might exist in the room. Walter closed the door. It was entirely surprising – Alucard had been acting oddly lately, becoming more active. If it weren't an oxymoron Walter would have said Seras had breathed new life into him.

Walter found Alucard sitting in a small private room further up the house. He was sitting on an armchair, watching a television. Walter looked at the screen – it was Die Hard. John McClane's blood was spilling out on the floor from glass in his feet. Alucard normally got only the slightest enjoyment out of these kind of films, especially compared to the real thing, but Alucard was sitting with a smile on his face.

'My dear Walter, you're up rather late. Who knows what waits for you in the night?' Alucard's smile broadened, showing of his teeth.

'I'm quite alright. I was just looking for Seras Victoria.' Walter said.

'No doubt she is trying to sleep. She still clings to her human time scales.' Alucard replied. His lie so was obvious on his face that he started to snigger.

'Something funny, Alucard?' Walter asked, showing nothing but innocent curiosity.

'Just a passing thought.' Alucard replied.

'In any case, she is not there. I checked. You wouldn't happen to know where she is, do you?'

Alucard fang glinted. 'Perhaps she went for a stroll.'

'Ah, I see. On an unrelated note, do you need anything to eat?' Walter asked innocently.

'No.' Alucard replied, slowly and deliberately with subtle meaning. 'I'll eat later.'

'Of course, sir.' Walter walked out of the room. 'So that's it.' Walter muttered to himself.

Seras crawled through the wall, keeping the bag safe, moving quietly towards the mansion. The darkness looked clearer than day, so it was easy to stick to the areas of darkness. Seras went up to a tradesmen's entrance, and snuck in.

She didn't try to be as sneaky when inside. This may have been a mistake – as she turned a corner, and saw Walter standing in the middle of the corridor. He had his hands behind his back, and his razor was hanging around his sides.

'Good evening, Miss Seras.' Walter said. 'It took me all my evening to find you.'

'Um, hello Walter.' Seras said, nervously.

'Have you got everything you need for Alucard?' Walter asked.

'Well, I think so-' Seras began.

'Really? Then may I ask, how did you acquire human blood?' Walter asked.

'I haven't quite got that yet.' Seras said. 'I don't suppose you could help with that, could you?'

'Why, certainly.' Walter brought his hands before his chest, flicked his fingers. The razor wire flicked out with it. 'Shall we?'

'I meant just to get some blood packs!' Seras said quickly.

'You think the Vampire King would drink cold, processed blood. No. Nothing but the finest for him.' Walter began to spin his wire around him. 'So come on then, young vampire. Let's see how you face against the Angel of Death. Try and draw my blood!'

Walters wire flashed forward. Seras leaped back, unconsciously dodging the strands of wire with a quickness that no human could match. She leaped behind a corner.

'I can't get through by hiding.' Seras said. The door behind was closed, and she could hear Walter advancing towards her. There was only one thing to do. She leaped out, charging with full fury. She reached out to scratch his skin with an open mouth – but found herself caught in the air. The wires were catching her all around, but they seemed not to pierce her skin.

'These are for training. As such, they are not blessed.' Walter explained. He released the pressue, causing to fall on the floor.

'That was foolish, but brave. Here.' Walter cut his finger on the wire, and held it out. Seras resisted the urge to drink it, instead placing it in a small vial.

'Now, shall we go see your master?'

'Mix together the pudding, the spices and salt with the scrambled egg.' Alucard commanded. 'Now, place in the blood. The blood shall disguise it as flesh to be devoured. It will allow us to eat the food of mortals.'

'Yes master.' Seras said, mixing it in a bowl.

'Now, place the filling within the bread. The result is a dish you can eat, requiring only a drop of human blood.'

Seras finished the sandwich. It seemed a lot of work for it. Still, she was hungry – she put her hand around it, and held it to her mouth. Before she could eat it however, Alucard had taken it from her and taken a bite.

'You're mean.' Seras said.

'Mu mam meev ush.' Alucard said, with an open mouth. Seras, disgruntled, left.

Walter, watching from the sides, stayed however. 'Alucard, why did you get her to do this? I could have made you one if you wanted one.'

Alucard finished his bite. 'Why dear Walter, have you no suspicions? After all, I didn't ask you to oppose her.'

'Was that it then? An excuse to test her skills?' Walter asked.

'Not quite, dear Walter.' He put it down on a plate next to his chair, and placed his hands together on his chest.

'She will have learned an important lesson about the nature of a vampire. Our thirst for blood is not purely unquenchable by the slaughter of men. Even if we forgo it, we are simply weakened, we do not die. A vampire could live their life without drinking a drop of blood. So why do we? The power? The hunger? Both true, but they stem from the same reason.'

'We drink the blood of others for no purpose. We slaughter dozens because we can. We leave nations in ruin because no one can stop us. Because we are weaker than the humans around them. She must learn that in the end, the horror that vampires leave in their wake, the fear they inspire, every action they perform, is completely pointless.'


End file.
